


The Darkest Shade of Want

by MythologyPastry



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Affection, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Christian Character, Complicated Relationships, F/F, Falling In Love, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Kissing, Murder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Sad, Sharing a Bed, Suicide Attempt, Time Travelling Lesbians, Timelines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-25 22:39:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14987129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MythologyPastry/pseuds/MythologyPastry
Summary: Homura has always had a soft spot for Kyouko, despite the redhead's explosive personality and tendency to ruin everything.





	The Darkest Shade of Want

A few cycles in, and Homura finds herself carrying Kyouko away from battle. Her body is bruised beyond belief, and a normal girl would have died hours ago from the blunt force trauma Kyouko suffered when her spearhead was launched back into her skull. Homura settles on letting the redhead rest at her apartment. She figures it doesn't matter much as long as she can get another grief seed by the end of the night.

 

So, Homura stops time after she tucks Kyouko into bed and checks the color of her soul gem. It's a dusty red by now, and Homura heads back into the witch's labyrinth. The battle is done in a span of minutes, several volleys of shots targeted at the witch's chest. Homura leaves the familiars. It's only the fourth cycle she's done now, but it's plenty to fully understand the potential of the familiars. Miki Sayaka will become a magical girl soon. Even with the familiars transforming, there won't be enough witches and their grief seeds to quench the despair in Sayaka's heart by the end. Homura has resolved herself to this. That is why she prefers to keep Kyouko around. The redhead isn't as weak as the others. While Sayaka would always give up, Kyouko tended to fight to her very last breath...

 

Homura doesn't think about the last cycle, doesn't think about Mami's bullet through Kyouko's soul gem. It hurts too much, in a different way than Madoka's deaths would ever feel.

 

She returns to her apartment and promptly presses the grief seed to the ruby of Kyouko's soul gem. The darkness slinks away, and Homura finds herself ridiculously relieved. The relief is a short comfort though. Knowing the other girl will be confused when she comes to, Homura leaves her a note, telling Kyouko she's welcome to stay.

 

Then, with a shopping list and a glock hidden away, Homura leaves to buy enough food for the two of them.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It is by the seventh cycle that Homura breaks. She screams at Kyouko all the truth that has formed the sand in her shield. She cries until she vomits. She begs the redhead to remember anything at all.

 

"Mami killed you," she repeats, and Kyouko raises her spear away from her without a word. The tip barely misses the red soul gem, her shield's hourglass working just in time.

 

Homura curls into herself, her hands twisting in her hair. She lets herself calm down, and when her tears are dry, she resets.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Kyouko grins. "It's bad, isn't it?"

 

Homura doesn't humor her with a response. The blood is puddling around her knees as she stares down at Kyouko's broken and bent body. "How are you still talking?" she asks, a tone of disbelief strong in her words. "You just took a hit to the gut. Let me take you back home."

 

There's no response. The idiot looked down at the wound and passed out at the sight of her own guts. Homura sighs and raises to her feet. Kyouko won't make it back home, not without a grief seed. They're both lucky that Mami hasn't already appeared to fight Charlotte.

 

Homura would rather watch Mami die by Madoka's arrow again than let her take Kyouko's grief seed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The twelfth cycle is harsh, Mami dying before Homura can even transfer schools. The blonde's emotions have always been her biggest fault. Homura doesn't feel guilt for not coming to her aid until she spots Kyouko crying outside the labyrinth.

 

The two have history.

 

Homura wonders if that's why Mami thought to pull the trigger on her first.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"She's selfish!" Sayaka's voice rings in Homura's ears. "How can she not do the right thing?"

 

"Magical Girls need witches to survive. Kyouko leaving behind some familiars isn't cruel. It's simply necessary."

 

"If you can say that, then you're just as bad as her too." The words don't sting, and Homura ignores them, preferring to let the silence answer for her. Miki Sayaka glares. She swiftly leaves, Madoka trailing behind. The archer says nothing, but she turns around right as she reaches the end of the alleyway. Madoka waves goodbye, and Homura finds herself matching the gesture.

 

For all of Sayaka's words, Kyouko selflessly gives up her life in this timeline to save the other girl. It doesn't work. Sayaka goes home after the battle and smashes her soul gem with a hammer.

 

Homura holds Madoka, tears soaking the shoulders of her school uniform. They are the only two left now. She can't help but cry too. If Kyouko was still here, she'd call them wusses. The thought helps, but only a little. Both of them return to class once they simply can't cry any longer, and Homura flinches when a girl with red hair walks by her in the hallway.

 

She might do all of this in the name of Madoka, but Homura hopes with all her heart she can save Kyouko by the end of this too. Even if it takes a hundred cycles, or more.

 

But, if she can manage to defeat Walpurgisnacht despite Kyouko's death, she'll take that too.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Kyouko forces her spear into a field of barriers, and she turns to Homura with blood streaming down her face. "You have to get Madoka out of here! I'll hold them off, just get out of the labyrinth."

 

She'll die without Homura there to protect her.

 

"Now!"

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Is Kyouko staying with you?" Mami's question quiets Sayaka and Madoka. The two of them turn away from their cake to Homura, whose eyes never leave the blonde's.

 

"Yes. We've found it helps us deal with grief seed management." Homura says, frowning at the sight of Mami turning to the other girls. While she does hold respect for her senior, she won't let Mami make Madoka into a magical girl. It's easier that way.

 

"See, Sayaka? Even if we disagree with their methods, they are capable of being civil." The fencer mumbles something argumentative, but Mami just smiles. "We should definitely help them against Walpurgisnacht. Working together will be the best way." Homura meets Kyouko's eyes as the redhead stands in the kitchen, inhaling whole pieces of cake behind Mami's back. Both of them share a moment of hope before the storm hits. "Isn't that right, Homura?" Mami asks, with a bit more edge to her voice. "We have to completely trust each other on this. It's only as a team sharing power that we'll be able to make this work."

 

Her eyes flick back down to the warm gold of Tomoe Mami, and she lets herself nod.

 

Two nights later, Homura tells Kyouko's mutilated corpse goodbye before leaving to save Madoka and her family. It doesn't work. She can't get the sound of Kyouko's dying prayers out of her head. It's horrible. "Will you bury me with a cross?" Kyouko had asked before her soul gem broke, and Homura nodded her head, thinking to herself that it was heartbreakingly easy to lie to a dying girl.

 

She never gets to keep her promises.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Somewhere around her twenty fifth cycle, Homura kisses the top of Kyouko's head before bed. It feels natural, and the redhead doesn't say anything regarding it. The two have always had an easy comfort. While she might still be focused on saving Madoka, Kyouko serves as a reminder that Homura has to calm down once in a while. And, it works for a while.

 

The two of them fight witches together, keeping in step with each other throughout the fight. Kyouko is the only girl Homura has ever trusted with the truth behind her powers. She stops time right before they kill Charlotte for devouring Mami, and Kyouko takes her time looking at the witch. "I don't get it. Mami was ten times better than this witch. She could have taken her." It's the truth too, which makes the pain in her voice even worse.

 

Homura squeezes Kyouko's hand. "I know."

 

They don't say anything more.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Walpurgisnacht is huge," Kyouko says, and for the first time within this timeline, Homura hears geniune fear in her voice.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Homura, not for the first time, has to separate a fight between Miki Sayaka and Kyouko. "Mami is dead," she says harshly. "Can you focus your anger on the incubators, at least?"

 

Kyouko stops before tightening her fist around her spear. "No, because if it weren't for her-"

 

"Enough."

 

Madoka eyes the two of them before walking away. Neither of them even notice while they bicker. She makes a contract with the condition that none of her friends will fight anymore, because she wants to help. Homura nearly screams when Madoka tells them the truth days later, but the tired look on Kyouko's face snatches her attention. After they walk home, Homura waits until Kyouko slips into bed to start talking. "I don't think I should have to apologize for the other day." She pauses. "But I will if you want me too."

 

"No," the redhead says quietly. "I can't ask that of you."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"You're my best friend," Kyouko says, a blush taking over despite her scowl. "So don't lie to me. How bad is it?"

 

Homura looks over at the fridge. "Well, we're out of apples."

 

"Oh my god, Homura, that's the worst news I've heard all day."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The two of them watch as Miki Sayaka dies, and Madoka is lost forever in Oktavia's symphony. Even though they try their best, Madoka enters the labyrinth without them knowing. After the end of the battle, Homura throws up onto her shoes when she realizes the pink and red by the exit is Madoka's trampled body. She automatically stops time, and Kyouko leads her out of the labyrinth by the arm. Neither of them say a word. She's told the redhead everything this time.

 

Kyouko stares at her, a look of resolve painted on her face. It's a face Homura has memorized. "You have to do this," she finally lets out. "It's like a debt, and everyone has to settle those. Madoka saved you. You have to save Madoka."

 

Homura closes her eyes as Kyouko lets go, and the reset starts.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Were we always friends?"

 

She considers the question and decides to tell Kyouko the truth. "I don't think so."

 

Kyouko frowns, but she turns back to her video game. They don't talk for the rest of the day.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Sayaka tells Homura she's sorry, that Kyouko wasn't meant to die.

 

Madoka holds Homura as she sobs.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Homura kisses Kyouko this timeline, and she thinks to herself that this is the cruelest part, to be stuck in a body much younger than her mind. Kyouko can't comprehend how much Homura has sacrificed for all of them, so the emotion will have to be told through lips. She wants to grow old with her. She wants to live a life that she cannot have. She wants Kyouko.

 

She hasn't told the redhead anything this timeline, not even about Walpurgisnacht, not yet.

 

Kyouko kisses her back, and her soul gem shatters into light.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Life is easier this way, keeping Kyouko at a distance. She lets the other girl grow closer to Sayaka instead. If she kept Kyouko by her side, she'd never save Madoka. It's a truth she's come to accept in the recent cycles. Her love for Kyouko is greater than her feeling of responsibility to Madoka. The concept of the sunk cost fallacy comes to mind, but Homura simply focuses on the truth. She has to save Madoka, or she's failed. A deeper, darker voice in her head reminds her that to give up on her wish means to lose her resets, and Homura knows that would ruin any of their chances at survival. No, this is necessary, even if it forces Kyouko to live on the streets.

 

Kyouko dies first, and Homura wonders how much of it is happenstance or her fault. She doesn't let herself focus on it for too long. Eventually, it becomes normal for her to treat Kyouko just like she would any of the other girls. However, it doesn't mean she likes it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Mami dies. Sayaka dies. Kyouko dies.

 

Madoka sacrifices herself.

 

 


End file.
